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pt 4 - Catching a Killer - when emotional abusers kill
1 June 2017

"i don't know how many times I told her to just walk away...'

"There was just weird stuff that he used to do..."

"I sent her a text message saying 'when this all goes wrong, and I think it will, don't come running to me because you've just slapped me in the face.' Now I feel so guilty I can't live with myself..."

Just a few of the extracts from a shocking programme showing how an emotional control freak at work. Catching a Killer is the extreme example of emotional abuse and narcissistic pyschopath behaviour, which I've been discussing in my three recent blogs.

part one is here

part two is here

part three is here

Now it seems the universe is getting back to me again, since I just got another story - a long one - from a lovely lady on Facebook (her story is below along with other feedback) who has now moved on successfully. A pity poor Natalie Hemming didn't.

Watch the programme again - and read more about it on this link here.

Here's the trailer.

SEE HOW HIS MIND WORKS...

An expert says - this man is small, unsociable, has no real male friends, and controls women... ossessive, jealous, puts people down including in front of friends...

If this sounds familiar, for goodness sake, get expert advice. Go to the doctor and other helplines and tell friends what you are going through. Remember that at the start they do 'love bombing' - making it hard not to hope that 'that person' will returna and you can one day 'get back what we had'. BUT it doesn't happen. The solution, many experts say, is total zero communication, for the reasons why, read through all the other blogs. Reassure yourself you are not alone, this IS happening to others, and it IS right to get out. One american survey showed around 8% of respondents are narcissistic psychopaths. They may be just emotional abusers, or they may involve violence and abnormal, unloving behaviour. Threats of violence, if not actual violence, or just threats against themselves, crying and saying life's not worth living, these are all traits of some form or other of this type of psychopathic behaviour. They also NEVER admit it - NEVER stop wanting to control - and unless medication changes them will not stop. There are many many posts online and videos on youtube to help you. Or the person you are worried about. 

Remember that with some types, secrecy is one of the key factors - worried about what people think rather than their partner's well being. Worse - the victim will often describe others who know the emotional abuser as 'they'd never believe it of him/her'. Because the front they present is utterly convincing, making others feel sorry for them whilst putting their partner down and always always bringing everything back to the mistaken belief that they are the most important thing in the world - 'how do you think this makes me feel' - 'you made me do this' - etc etc.

WHATEVER LEVEL OF ABUSE IT IS, GET OUT. 

If you're hearing stories from someone else, take them seriously. With the odd exception, they are giving you a cry for help. Expert help should be put in touch with them as soon as possible and your support and back up will be invaluable at this point and ongoing thereafter, in particular if they god forbid, try to withdraw the claims afterwards. 

Anyone who states they are unhappy and being abused in some format, is being abused in some format. If they later claim it was all their own fault, and their partner is not to blame, they have probably been got to. Most likely with a resumption of the 'love bombing' = but this is ONLY TEMPORARY and at some point the abuse will likely resume. Support, insist, interfere, record them, get proof of the abuse and BRING IT OUT INTO THE OPEN. In that way, once the abuser is exposed, often they will move on to someone else, so that they can resume their evil control of a normal person who just wants love.

This programme is tragic, especially seeing the What's App messages Natalie sent to Simon, her lover, who she spent one night with, after which Paul Hemming found out and killed her. The police woman was in tears as she read them.

The final word from the poor mother who told her daughter Natalie Hemming to go home and not be scared of her partner Paul - 'I was the last one to see her alive... if only I hadn't sent her home...'

With Home Office figures showing two women are killed by partners or former partners every week, don't become another Natalie. Get help, get out, get real.

With love

Debs

x

Remember to go to the other parts for full info and more stories from others affected by such emotional and / or physical abuse. Start here. Part one, Narcissus, has now been read close on 5500 times.

 

OTHERS STORIES, CONTINUED...

Omg it’s still  happening. Not only am I still getting lots of feedback and gratitude from readers of these blogs and posts, I have now met another two people who told me their own stories of awful abuse at the hands of former partners – one of them, Lorraine, is still hanging on to the last vestiges of hers. See below. And here's another one...

 Jan says -

"Hello Debbie, I have thought about this, and decided, the defining moment. Here goes, after being married many years, 3 lovely children, a building business , own house ,half each. We started ballroom dancing lessons , met this couple, got friendly with them, she was getting close to me, finding out about my then husband through me, I must have been so gullible and naive .

On the Boxing Day she was here with her husband , had a nice meal, played monopoly with the children etc etc, a really nice day. Next day, my then husband said he was going to see his dad on his own - which was unheard off. A few hrs later he telephoned to say, he wasn't coming back, I thought the car had broken down, then he said, he was going off with her, and had rented a cottage a mile away, and had stayed for Christmas for the children. !! I didn't know anything about it. I was devastated . What a shock for me and the children.

3 mths went past, in a haze, no income, 3 teenagers to support, I couldn't get a job, no cv or computer knowledge, I had been his business secretary and helping on site. Got a few hrs work in supermarket bring home £30 week, where I am still there, using a few savings.

Then lo and behold he came back declaring he was so sorry, and didn't know what he was thinking, could we start again, he missed his family ! Things began to settle, he then went off another eight times! to her.

So I changed the locks, the police said it was unlawful . One day while I was out, he made a hole in the roof, climbed in (a bungalow) put a window in, and lived in the loft space for a while as a lodger.

That's where the violence started, he was still seeing her, but had the benefit of seeing the children.

 I couldn't take it anymore, was having panic attacks.

He then got emotionally abusive - he said I was the problem, if I wasn't there he could get on with his life! It is called the Yo Yo syndrome - he wanted the best of both worlds, cake and eat it.

The doctor said he was having a mid-life crisis or breakdown and that I was the one who should be supportive!

He started getting very frustrated, spitting at me, continued emotional abuse.

Then the physical abuse began. One day anything that wasn't fixed to the floor, he threw at me, including plants, plates, ornaments, shoes etc. I was covered in bruises, he had threatened me with a mallet on my head, I said do it quick, stared him out, knocked me to the floor broke my fingers, then one night I was asleep , and started coughing, he was trying to strangle me, by waking up I saved my life, I had marks around my neck for 2 weeks. The doctor took notes, and advised him to move out, eventually he did - back to her.

That's when my friend found out. I went swimming, and she saw bruises, then locked me up until I told her. I then had a burst stomach ulcer and ended up in hospital.

Time went on he came back and wanted to settle saying he was sorry , he then made some suggestions about money children etc. I was so low I felt I had no choice. He suggested after a while, he couldn't give her up, but wanted us both, so could he spend a week with her and a week with me, or could she live in the loft room !! I couldn't accept that, not being second best, my head was all over the place, and I think that was the defining moment when I finally had my ‘aha’.

Then came the narcissistic psychopath behaviour of trying to turn it all on me. He told family and friends I was a nutcase, and was having me put in a mental hospital, he had spoken to my doctor about it, and he sadly convinced all the people to run away from me. I went to the doctors, told him, I said what is the matter with me. He just looked at me, said you might be stressed, but you are fine, and trying to cope and he could never discuss my medical problems without my permission, my ex told lies to everyone. The police said to go into a woman's refuge, I couldn't I had the children. The next challenge was sorting everything out, and money. Many court cases later, he sent me a bill for £10,000 for use of car, used for school runs, clubs etc. But I persevered, through horrendous stress, and I won my case, solicitors fees. But it was the principal. It took 3 yrs, he said he had no money, but he did - I did the company books. Magically, half disappeared to his brothers, and others, as he was self-employed it was hard to prove on paper, he said he was too sick to work ! (After court case I caught him working on a roof). There is much more that went on.

I eventually got the house-  no maintenance I couldn't prove his earnings, but the house was half mine anyway and only worth (£90,000) He had already bought another house, and been abroad many times. So much for having no money. Then we came to the child support agency.  They awarded me £2.20 a week for 3 teenagers , said he couldn't work , he claimed he was sick. But if the children lived with him, he would provide what ever they needed?? Eventually the 2 boys went to him, as I didn't have enough income. I called it blackmail. I pursued the CSA for a few years, got MP involved but eventually MP said you won't win your case, I stormed out. Then I went to the court, and I was awarded some back money, my ex still refused to pay, only £5.00 a week for 20yrs.

Just as an add on I forgot to mention. Another occasion he tried to abduct my son on the way home from school, people reported it to the police, 5 squad cars appeared, and a helicopter ! Got my son back. It was a truly horrible time but I am now moved on."

 

Listen to these and maybe you will have your own aha moment – or share with someone you know. Should Lorraine leave this man? Read her story and make up your mind.

 

Lorraine’s Story – should she leave him? What do you think?

This lady is an outwardly confident professional, with kids, who has survived a divorce and eight years with a guy for whom she left her husband, having been very unhappily married. What she describes is archetypal love-bombing, followed by reversal and withdrawal, then a long litany of emotional abusive behaviour and control. Listen to her story –

‘I met him when my marriage was on the rocks, and I was so desperate for love and attention. He waltzed into my life and was like a whirlwind of love and attention – he seemed devoted and before very long was introducing me to his parents, our kids to each other, and promising me a life I’d always wanted with a lovely house and a life full of being texted every day, usually several times a day, with lovely messages of affection. About a year to eighteen months later, everything changed. After I’d committed to him and taken a loan out to ‘make our lives easier’, and heard so many promises from him about our future together, and the house he would sell in order to buy one for all of us, he began not contacting me and not coming over every night as he had been doing. I asked ‘why haven’t I heard from you today, is anything wrong?’ and he acted as though I was crazy, asking why he had to contact me every day. It made me feel small and stupid but I accepted it. Looking back I should have held my ground, but after having been treated like a princess, I just thought it was a blip and held on to that dream. Shortly after he got me working at his company and I got told he wanted me not to go out on the road any more, but instead he wanted me on the desk next to him so he could see me every day. I felt flattered. Really I should have questioned why, but I stuck with it. He began insisting I didn’t go out with my friends and family and stayed home. He also began telling me I couldn’t achieve certain things I’d always had confidence about – undermining me and taking the mick. Over time, this insidiously seeped into my own psyche and I began to become a shadow of my former self, all the while holding on to the idea that he would one day get back to ‘how we once were.’ The big move never happened, and even my kids pointed out that he’s never around like I thought and why on earth would I want to be with him. I said I loved him and he’s not like that really – making excuses, but really I was just using his love bombing and the original idea of him as a reference point rather than his true self. Ironically I have been holding on to it for eight years. Then he sold his business, and after two years, the new owners ended his contract so I was no longer seeing him every day. I was relieved. We are now in contact only every couple of weeks – he occasionally texts me and says shall we go to dinner. I don’t know why, but I still accept. When I come back, I feel upset and disturbed, but don’t feel like going out any more and prefer my own company and staying indoors. What should I do?'

What should Lorraine do? Let me know with a comment below.

 

Angie’s Story –

Angie got married in the early 1960s when she was 21 and her hubby to be was a college lecturer 11 years her senior. Hers is a typical narcissistic abuse story – with added violence. It makes harrowing reading, but she is now in a great relationship with a caring man, having had a second marriage in between that lasted 25 years. Her first one lasted 5 years before she was able to get away, at the 4th time of trying, with help from family and friends.

‘I found out he was an abuser a week after we got married, but I should have known before that. He insisted that only 5 people came to our wedding, did not want photos taken apart from by one person (and later burned all the negatives in a temper when I had been doing the Twist with someone at a party and he erupted in anger and told me I had been ‘masturbating in front of everyone and embarrassing him’) Plus he made me take off my ring as he did not want his college students to know he was married. Turns out I found out why later - that he received massive adulation amongst his colleagues and students and did not want that to end if they knew he was married. For years he made my life a living hell. The worst memory was for example when one night a week he went away from home to work somewhere else and I looked forward to this night all week, when I could come home when I wanted instead of when he told me to. I went for a drink with friends after work and got home late. I spent an hour in the kitchen then went to the loo, down a long dark corridor where a light switch was at the end of the corridor. I reached out to turn on the switch and instead my hand found a face – his face, he’d been waiting there for me all that time, just to terrify me. I never got home late again even when he was away. Thankfully we never had any kids, even tho our sex life was the only thing that kept us going. He was totally bullying in his behaviour towards me on every level, making me have my hair a certain way – long and dark, and using it one time to drag me the full length of the staircase by it, because he was unhappy with my outfit. I was too terrified of what he might do, and by then, too worn down to break free on my own. Finally I did so when a new man told me he would help me and see me through the split, along with my friend. My parents, who had believed how wonderful he was for so long and encouraged our marriage because they were old fashioned and knew we were having sex so wanted him to at least marry me, also helped me break free. However, one of his students, who had been my friend, found out we were splitting up and heard why and could not believe it. She wrote me the most awful letter saying I was a terrible person to say this about such a lovely man and I should be ashamed of myself. Four years later, she had married an abuser herself, moved to France and had her ribs broken by him, and wrote to me saying I take everything back, I now realise how it is possible to go through hell in private, with someone who is the model of charm in public. I’m now very happily married with my third husband and wanting to help as many people as possible know that it is NOT acceptable to be belittled, nor to have someone make you think you must have dreamed up their promises or their abuse, and also specifically to alert people to watch out for those who love-bomb them right at the start – if their attitude changes, it’s very likely what they’ve changed to is their true self and they only did the overload of love at the start in order to hook you in and make you vulnerable."  

 

 

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1 comment

  • Comment Link Trudi 2 June 2017 posted by Trudi

    Hi Debbie I was mentally and emotions abused by my ex husband. When I accused him of cheating he said I was deranged and set about to prove it. At one one he told me what and his 'friend' did when they met ..then told me I'd dreamt it. Had her ring our house repeatedly then when I rang back she got her son to answer and say she wasn't in. He went out with the dog for an hour in the rain and the dog came back dry! He threw knives at me then said I'd imagined it. A brought his 'friend' to the house to tell me nothing was going on and I needed a physiatrist. I hid it all...I was ashamed ...never told anyone he raped me
    But worse than all that I found out that my daughter had married a man who treat her like rubbish...and all I can think...was it my fault should I have been stronger ...should I have spoken up?

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